Vanity Fare
or, We Read It So You Don't Have To

A dynamic young woman makes her way through the elaborate customs and costumes of high society, morality be damned.... And that's about as far as you'll get making any enlightening parallels between Mira Nair's new film and Paris Hilton's Confessions of an Heiress, now in bookstores. If the very sight of Hilton's creepy soft-core-clean-shaven-vaselined-mannequin look is too much for you, we offer an excerpt:

Here's how I survive really long trips: I love to buy as many gossip magazines as possible, and start the trip by reading everything in the world that's recently been written about me. Then I take a nap, wake up, read scripts, check my e-mail, review personal notes, and write in my diary. It's nice to be in a place where my phone isn't ringing. ... If I get really bored, I'll pop on my pink mini iPod and reread a Vogue. I'll always discover a dress or pair of shoes I didn't notice before.

We have seen hell, and it is life as Paris Hilton. The only thing that makes the book worth picking up is the whiff of hatred in nearly all references to her slightly less skanky, but larger-nosed sister, Nicky--think of it as a print version of "doing a Lynndie."